12:45am, in bed in the dark with 3 interconnected subjects that called for a decision each. Simple ‘Yes’ and ‘Nos’, nothing close to rocket science. Yes and Nos normally come to me pretty easily. If they were tallied up, the Yes exceeds by faaarrr. Ballsy. I take a lot pride in that. But then I reassessed the nature of my No-nos, and found that they are all voted Nos to big commitment choices. The IMPORTANT ones. The ones that make up the top of your pyramid. The small 20% in quantity, but represents the 80% quality you’re after. Scary. So I run.

It’s always like this: Yes, yes, yes yes, oh, what is that? No.. can’t work with that one.

Bargain. Bargain. Bargain.

Every merchant has limits and a strong footing in maintaining it. Lowering out of desperation will degrade its value, and so will its desirability. It’s the buyers’ responsibility to assess value, and in their skills of compromise the deal can be won over. Overvalue, you get ripped off; undervalue, you’ll walk away with nothing. Last offer. I’ll pass. That’s ok though. There will always be another shop, another time, another kind. A better one? Maybe. But not always. So you visit a few more shops, and by the time you return to admit your misevaluation, it’s gone. Someone else had bought it. The merchant is happy to have waited a little longer for an appreciative buyer, who understands the value in what he had to offer and compromised a higher price to pay. The buyer left with an empty wallet, but wore a winning smile. He may have given up a lot more than you would have, but he believes it’s going to pay him back with interest. Now that it’s gone, you wished you’d believed in yourself earlier. That’s investment; couple a good eye with instinct, and then summon the courage to gamble on it, be willing to take a chance in losing before you win. Otherwise you will find yourself, over and over, going halfway but never all the way. Not in one place, nor the other. Somewhere in between is a nowhere with opportunities for your picking, make a choice or perish with absolutely nothing. That void will never get filled.

So in the middle of my dwelling of subjects A, B, and C, I was ready to give up A because I couldn’t work with some of the terms that will come with it. “If I do A, I can do B, but it might compromise C. And then there’s D, E, and F I want to consider later. If my C is compromised, then how will I get to D, E, F?”

I am the worst taker of my own advice I give to people. Naturally. “Take the first steph in faith. you don’t have to see the whole staircase. just take the first step”, Luther King Jr said, I would say to people. The truth is, we are much more capable than we think in confronting our problems. The difficult part is deciding to confront it. It’s just like deciding to go to the gym. You know once you start, you’ll finish feeling good. But it’s too cold outside. Tomorrow I’ll go. But tomorrow comes, and again you’ll say ‘tomorrow I’ll go’. Another day, another no. Eventually you will lose that momentum, and the no becomes auto-pilot. Congratulations, you’re still a fat ass. You’re still alone. You still haven’t realised your dream job. Whatever.

1am, in the dark, the Blackberry light flickered. Ugh. What now. Open. YouTube Service. Naradio sent you a message: I fail at s.. What? Open.

Subject: I fail at subject lines

Hi Dominiq,

My name’s George, just a guy from Australia. I just want to say: you. are. amazing.

I discovered you through the related links of a different pole-dancing video (one that was in Youtube’s top viewed lists or something, and being a 24 year old guy, I naturally clicked on it… and then saw yours) and I saw your blog website, and your Twitter and also stumbled upon your Flickr. I probably spent a couple hours going through your content. Normally, I don’t do this but I was absolutely riveted.

I have come to the conclusion that you are one of the most intelligent and motivated persons I have ever seen/met. Your job (or past job), your hobbies, your interests all require so much raw brains and dedication… It’s motivating, to say the least. What was the point of this message? I dunno. But you’re amazing.

Thank you.

George

In all sincerity, I am not at all trying to boast. On several occasions, people would tell me the same thing, all of which make me feel good, but I would still refuse to listen to them. I mean, REALLY listen. Deep down, I’m still focusing on the people who tell me I’m not good enough, trying to win the lost battles. And that disarrayed me from the path I should really be on. To a certain point, persistence should reach an end. Try to win all, you’ll lose all. Win one first, the rest will follow, I promise you. Sometimes it’s already won, but you want to play more games without needing to carry around the burden of your prizes. You think, the win is just for me, I don’t need proof. You go home and tell your family your winning stories and they ask you ‘well, where are the prizes?’ You tell them you decided to leave them behind because you still wanted to play more games. They don’t believe you’ve won anything. Fine, you say. At least I know I’ve won. But really, what’s winning when only you know it? Because without your prize that sits to remind you in the future of your win, even you will eventually forget it too. No story, no memory. Just as I decide to ignore my wins and tell myself I haven’t won those. Live by ‘I haven’t won those’, that’s all you’ll ever know. Repeat it enough, people will believe you too.

A complete stranger from a different part of the world invested time in taking learning of who I am, and did the unusual of sending me his token of marvel and appreciation, and here I am about to back out from the very thing that will take me where I want to be all this time because I don’t think I can deal with one condition. “I don’t think I can” is true, but “I think I can” is just as true. Did I just forget my own advice again?

So Yes. Yes to A, therefore I will get to B, and hopefully C will follow just fine. Even if A fails and bears me scars, at least I’ve proven my own failure, gotten B, and I’m sure the learning will have me execute C better than ever.

Thank you, George.