for the better:
This blog has been dormant for too long, I know. Big, big, big reason behind it and I cannot put it in simple words so.. Vlogging starts..
This is the start of spilling everything.
by Don Miguel Ruiz
from The Four Agreements.
Humans punish themselves endlessly for not being what they believe they should be. They become very self-abusive, and they use other people to abuse themselves as well.
But nobody abuses us more than we abuse ourselves, and it is the Judge, the Victim, and the belief system that make us do this. True we find people who say their husband or wife, or mother or father, abused them, but you know that we abuse ourselves much more than that. The way we judge ourselves is the worst judge that ever existed. If we make a mistake in front of people, we try to deny the mistake and cover it up. But as soon as we are alone, the Judge becomes so strong, the guilt is so strong, and we feel so stupid, or so bad, or so unworthy.
In your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself. And the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else. If someone abuses you a little more than you abuse yourself, you will probably walk away from that person. But if someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly.
If you abuse yourself very badly, you can even tolerate someone who beats you up, humiliates you, and treats you like dirt. Why? Because in your belief system you say, “I deserve it. This person is doing a favor by being with me. I’m not worthy of love and respect. I’m not good enough.”
We have the need to be accepted and to be loved by others, but we cannot accept and love ourselves. The more self-love we have, the less we will experience self-abuse. Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and self-rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be perfect and never measuring up to that ideal. Our image of perfection is the reason we reject ourselves; it is why we don’t accept ourselves the way we are, and why we don’t accept others the way they are.
If everything you ever had were taken away from you; your money, your career, your house, and your family, and the guarantee of their return is indefinite—it can be soon, a while, or never, and God had offered to create one thing to keep you company—if it were money you wanted, he will give you the money of the world; if it were a house, he will give you a mansion, if it were career, he will give you a dream job, if it were an animal, he will give you one animal of your chosen species and breed, if it were a person, he will give you a human being of your chosen gender, life-stage, and relationship; from a child, to a friend, to a soul-mate.
What would you ask for?
12:45am, in bed in the dark with 3 interconnected subjects that called for a decision each. Simple ‘Yes’ and ‘Nos’, nothing close to rocket science. Yes and Nos normally come to me pretty easily. If they were tallied up, the Yes exceeds by faaarrr. Ballsy. I take a lot pride in that. But then I reassessed the nature of my No-nos, and found that they are all voted Nos to big commitment choices. The IMPORTANT ones. The ones that make up the top of your pyramid. The small 20% in quantity, but represents the 80% quality you’re after. Scary. So I run.
It’s always like this: Yes, yes, yes yes, oh, what is that? No.. can’t work with that one.
Bargain. Bargain. Bargain.
Every merchant has limits and a strong footing in maintaining it. Lowering out of desperation will degrade its value, and so will its desirability. It’s the buyers’ responsibility to assess value, and in their skills of compromise the deal can be won over. Overvalue, you get ripped off; undervalue, you’ll walk away with nothing. Last offer. I’ll pass. That’s ok though. There will always be another shop, another time, another kind. A better one? Maybe. But not always. So you visit a few more shops, and by the time you return to admit your misevaluation, it’s gone. Someone else had bought it. The merchant is happy to have waited a little longer for an appreciative buyer, who understands the value in what he had to offer and compromised a higher price to pay. The buyer left with an empty wallet, but wore a winning smile. He may have given up a lot more than you would have, but he believes it’s going to pay him back with interest. Now that it’s gone, you wished you’d believed in yourself earlier. That’s investment; couple a good eye with instinct, and then summon the courage to gamble on it, be willing to take a chance in losing before you win. Otherwise you will find yourself, over and over, going halfway but never all the way. Not in one place, nor the other. Somewhere in between is a nowhere with opportunities for your picking, make a choice or perish with absolutely nothing. That void will never get filled.
So in the middle of my dwelling of subjects A, B, and C, I was ready to give up A because I couldn’t work with some of the terms that will come with it. “If I do A, I can do B, but it might compromise C. And then there’s D, E, and F I want to consider later. If my C is compromised, then how will I get to D, E, F?”
I am the worst taker of my own advice I give to people. Naturally. “Take the first steph in faith. you don’t have to see the whole staircase. just take the first step”, Luther King Jr said, I would say to people. The truth is, we are much more capable than we think in confronting our problems. The difficult part is deciding to confront it. It’s just like deciding to go to the gym. You know once you start, you’ll finish feeling good. But it’s too cold outside. Tomorrow I’ll go. But tomorrow comes, and again you’ll say ‘tomorrow I’ll go’. Another day, another no. Eventually you will lose that momentum, and the no becomes auto-pilot. Congratulations, you’re still a fat ass. You’re still alone. You still haven’t realised your dream job. Whatever.
1am, in the dark, the Blackberry light flickered. Ugh. What now. Open. YouTube Service. Naradio sent you a message: I fail at s.. What? Open.
Subject: I fail at subject lines
My name’s George, just a guy from Australia. I just want to say: you. are. amazing.
I discovered you through the related links of a different pole-dancing video (one that was in Youtube’s top viewed lists or something, and being a 24 year old guy, I naturally clicked on it… and then saw yours) and I saw your blog website, and your Twitter and also stumbled upon your Flickr. I probably spent a couple hours going through your content. Normally, I don’t do this but I was absolutely riveted.
I have come to the conclusion that you are one of the most intelligent and motivated persons I have ever seen/met. Your job (or past job), your hobbies, your interests all require so much raw brains and dedication… It’s motivating, to say the least. What was the point of this message? I dunno. But you’re amazing.
In all sincerity, I am not at all trying to boast. On several occasions, people would tell me the same thing, all of which make me feel good, but I would still refuse to listen to them. I mean, REALLY listen. Deep down, I’m still focusing on the people who tell me I’m not good enough, trying to win the lost battles. And that disarrayed me from the path I should really be on. To a certain point, persistence should reach an end. Try to win all, you’ll lose all. Win one first, the rest will follow, I promise you. Sometimes it’s already won, but you want to play more games without needing to carry around the burden of your prizes. You think, the win is just for me, I don’t need proof. You go home and tell your family your winning stories and they ask you ‘well, where are the prizes?’ You tell them you decided to leave them behind because you still wanted to play more games. They don’t believe you’ve won anything. Fine, you say. At least I know I’ve won. But really, what’s winning when only you know it? Because without your prize that sits to remind you in the future of your win, even you will eventually forget it too. No story, no memory. Just as I decide to ignore my wins and tell myself I haven’t won those. Live by ‘I haven’t won those’, that’s all you’ll ever know. Repeat it enough, people will believe you too.
A complete stranger from a different part of the world invested time in taking learning of who I am, and did the unusual of sending me his token of marvel and appreciation, and here I am about to back out from the very thing that will take me where I want to be all this time because I don’t think I can deal with one condition. “I don’t think I can” is true, but “I think I can” is just as true. Did I just forget my own advice again?
So Yes. Yes to A, therefore I will get to B, and hopefully C will follow just fine. Even if A fails and bears me scars, at least I’ve proven my own failure, gotten B, and I’m sure the learning will have me execute C better than ever.
Thank you, George.
Bias aside, they taste pretty darn good. Rum, sake, coconut water, freshly brewed rosella tea, fresh juices. Any sweetening comes from the juice fillers themselves, or coconut syrup, or honey.
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