Diary of a Conflicted Eater: October 18th, 2009

what have i done..

It’s 9:30 pm and for the past 3 hours I have been in and out of my room a number of times hunting for food, disrupting my workflow. The overeater Dom is out to play again. First I managed to munch on the raw goods, plenty of times, eating unnecessarily to wipe off the thoughts of wanting to eat processed snacks = today’s craving. By 9 pm, I gave in. I sat with a leftover plate of papaya skin and seeds and concocting a few recipe dishes in my head to make for next Saturday’s baby shower of the lady who runs the Bikram Yoga studio I go to. I had a brilliant idea with the papaya and got overly happy. I walked over to the cabinet and took out a pouch of rice crackers. Just one, I thought. I sat back on the chair still envisioning ingredients and assembly of the dish. 12 minutes later, the photographed damage was done. Ok, I had one more after I took the photograph.

How ironic? envisioning raw dishes and eating the above at the same time. I was not even thinking anymore. I ate them with no sense of awareness. Everything just shut down. It is one thing to eat in moderation, but I know nothing of moderation. I just.. ATTACK. I’d burn the calories, and then ATTACK. Again. Living in a non-raw household doesn’t make it any easier either. Imagine being an alcoholic and have 50 liquor bottles decorating your kitchen. That’s me with food. I need food rehab.

Stomach not feeling light and jolly anymore. Sorry, body. Tomorrow I’ll try again, as always. At least I never give up.


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